Peregrine's Pen

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:44:21 GMT

A very happy birthday to two of my favorite people, moonwolf and circuit_four. Enjoy your day! :-)

lyrics

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 04:38:18 GMT

Stars fall every time a lover has to face the truth
and far too many stars have fell on me
and as they trail the skies
and burn their paths upon my eyes
I cry...

Disney haiku

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 03:15:48 GMT

These are the haiku texted on my phone while waiting in line at Big Thunder Mountain Railroad (a small roller coaster at the Magic Kingdom), now preserved for posterity. ;-)

So many people.
Maybe Tokyo feels like this
with island breezes.

Yes, I will likely
write many haiku for you.
In line, boredom reigns.

Torrential angst pours
with sweat drips into this phone
...still your silence grows.

I will die here with
visions of small choo choo trains
burned into my eyes.

Bury me under
that red rock around the track.
Let my son go twice.

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 01:33:27 GMT

I lost my phone. I'm bummed out about it. It has so much contact info in it that I haven't bothered to duplicate anywhere else. And some haiku I wrote while in line at Disney. (Don't ask. :-) ) And pictures.

I know I had it at swim lessons this morning; I think it might have fallen out of my bag (which does have a hole in it--d'oh!)

We do have insurance, so we're only out $50 and we can get a replacement, according to Dave.

I've been working really hard to be more organized lately and it doesn't seem to be working.

I'm a lot more down about this than I arguably objectively should be.

Anyway, I likely don't have your contact info, if I ever did. If you want me to have it, feel free to leave it on this post. Comments screened for privacy's sake.

eta: I called the swimming pool place, the last place I'd had it, and someone did find it and turn it in. I'm very relieved. Thanks to everyone who gave me your info - I actually think I came out ahead in that regard. ♥

Disney daze

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 15:05:33 GMT

My mom works for a state academic tournament as judge, reader, and question writer...and Disney is one of their sponsors. She gets free tickets and often doesn't use them. She had one ticket with two days left on it and one from a friend (also with two days left). Both tickets were Park Hoppers. They expired on June 18th. I received them in the mail on June 13th.

There was an interesting little logic problem there: if you have two tickets expiring within a week and two adults and two kids and two days to be used on each ticket, who goes to Disney with whom, when, and how?

We decided to buy one more ticket - a three-day Park Hopper.

So...because I am a masochist, the 3-Day Disney ticket was for me. :-) I took both kids to Animal Kingdom this past Saturday...but, because Animal Kingdom really didn't work for us, we left and trekked over to Magic Kingdom. This led to logistics hell at the end of the night, but hopefully I'll get around to writing about that later.

Sunday we were in Winter Haven with my dad for Father's Day, and Monday I worked all day at the playschool.

So for the past two days I've had a back-to-back Disney extravaganza. It wasn't as much fun as it sounds in 95 degree heat...but definitely pretty fun in spots. What it meant for the kids was one-on-one time with mom, which seemed to work really well both days. I feel like I should make that work more often (though in less-expensive venues, to be sure.) Daniel's day was Tuesday and Ellie's day was Wednesday (yesterday).

I'm hoping to write up some of our experiences and rest a bit today. Plus, the house is a complete disaster and I'm hoping to get the mess back to manageable levels.

so true

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 13:47:40 GMT

Me: You know, usually kids wait to do the "Geez, Mom, you're so lame," thing until they're fifteen or so. You're eight. What are you going to do when you're fifteen?

Daniel, giggling: Well, maybe you should be cooler.

Me: I've had thirty-six years to develop this particular brand of geeky non-coolness, and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

Score one for me. :-) Bonus: I like being anti-cool.

morning haiku

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 11:51:23 GMT

Droplets on thick leaves
shine holy in sunlight's kiss,
quenching insect thirst.

My dream ship sinks but
everyone reaches safety.
Metaphor for what?

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 22:01:51 GMT

ganked from madcaptenor, with apologies to any Republican supporters on my f-list. I enjoyed the deadpan sarcasm far too much. :-D

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 02:53:15 GMT

I think there are some typography fans on my flist...this could be fun or maddening, I'm not sure which: http://fontstruct.fontshop.com/

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 16:01:27 GMT

Daniel's created his own RPG (mechanics are basically 'roll d20) that he GMs, using Imaginext figures for the PCs and NPCs. I think it's taking place on both the pirate ship and the castle.

(No, I don't work for Fisher Price. I just think it's cool. :-) )

eta: Back in the day, when we got these (maybe five or six years ago?) they came with a bunch of figures and were sets you can actually build with. The parts are interchangeable, so sometimes pirate ship parts make it into the castle or vice versa. We have a caveman set (that apparently is no longer made by Fisher Price) too - the cavemen, knights, and pirates are all used as PCs/NPCs).

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 01:26:40 GMT

So...I was decluttering today and I found some old notebooks, and I was looking through one (to determine if it was empty or full) and I found notes toward a poem.

I'm pretty sure it's recent, like within the last couple of months...and I vaguely remember writing this, trying to get the poem to come...but I have no idea of the context and, thus, what I was actually trying to express.

***

careful steps
back into the sun
first movements
tentative
seeing world - perspective shifting
self-embrace
strength, pride
fluidity love
self-protective
luxurious

reminds me
love yourself
god pouring down

life sings its beating heart to you
guard it in your hand and help it soar

***
I'm guessing I was thinking of a baby bird in that last part.

I really wish I had some idea of where I was going with this. I'm keeping it just in case I want to come back to it and play with it.

There seems to be a tension here between protection and release, holding things in or letting them go. I think it might be fun to explore that, but...I'm really not sure how to.

qotd

Tue, 27 May 2008 02:46:25 GMT

This both resonates strongly with me and helps me to feel better about myself. Quoted with permission from porcelain72's entry here.*

I am not interested in perfect, unmarked people, inside or out. Our bodies tell our stories; the scars and the flaws we bear are their chapters and sentences.

*She's also in the top four of LJ Idol, so if you read and like the entire post, consider voting for her, if you're so inclined.

Mon, 26 May 2008 02:17:14 GMT

Babysitting this afternoon (so we were childfree) and a leisurely lunch with Dave, a nap, and time reading while Dave worked on a painting was just what I needed. I feel much better now.

birthday shoutout

Sun, 25 May 2008 17:20:13 GMT

Happy birthday to birdbard today! I doubt he's reading LJ over the weekend, but if you know him, leave some celebratory messages on his LJ for him to come back to tomorrow. :-) Or feel free to do so even if you don't.

that quotations meme

Wed, 21 May 2008 14:42:52 GMT

Go here and read until you find five quotations that speak your truth. Post them.

The older I get, the more I feel
almost beautiful...
Sharon Olds

To find fulfillment...don't exist with life - embrace it.
Jim Beggs

Bear in mind that you should conduct yourself in life as at a feast.
Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)

Creativity is a drug I cannot live without.
Cecil B. DeMille (1881 - 1959)

As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

(This is reminding me that my word for the year is gentleness. I think that some of these quotes reflect it.)

Tue, 20 May 2008 15:59:29 GMT

geeky romantic comment of the day:

"You make me want to learn binary."

my power, my pleasure, my pain, my perfect alliteration...

Tue, 20 May 2008 15:33:23 GMT

To me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny...
Won't you tell me, is it healthy, baby?

I think this one should definitely be filed under, "If you have to ask..."

Fortunately, I like SEAL's voice quite a bit more than his lyrics.

a starting point

Mon, 19 May 2008 14:24:40 GMT

I need things in my life that lift my soul.

(It's just an observation so far - I haven't yet fleshed out exactly what I mean by that. But feel free to point me in interesting directions. :-D )

more sennsucht

Sun, 18 May 2008 20:15:56 GMT

quotes from Honey from the Rock by Lawrence Kushner

***

The path I take to the synagogue winds through a small park in the center of town. And in the middle of the park is a tree that blooms with thousands of white clustered blossoms. The branches droop with the weight of their flowers. And if you walk under the tree, you must bend down and wend this way and that to avoid the foliage. The tree and the blossoms are everywhere. You only see a few inches ahead of you. As if on wheels you glide through the lush spring. And then you are out of it and it is gone.

But more than anything it is the fragrance that envelops you. For maybe a minute or so there is only the sensation of smell. You cannot see or feel or taste or touch. If only you could bask in this air forever. Join the tree in her seductive perfumed holiness. But you cannot. You are only a traveler. And then you are out of it and it is gone.

But you cherish the affair and yearn to walk that way again. What began with the mystery of fragrance has become a gateway.

***

The memories of a place become a part of it. Places and things never forget what they have been witnesses to and vehicles of and entrances for. What has happened there happened nowhere else. Like ghosts who can neither forget what they have seen nor leave the place where they saw it, such are the memories tied to places of ascent. Temples. Trees. Melodies. Objects. Words. Whatever they have witnessed is chiseled into their substance.

maybe I could lose the bonnet...

Sun, 18 May 2008 01:11:07 GMT

Take the Quiz here!

Sat, 17 May 2008 14:27:17 GMT

Does anyone suppose that [a child] really and prosaically longs for all the dangers and discomforts of a fairy tale?—really wants dragons in contemporary England? It is not so. It would be much truer to say that fairy land arouses a longing for he knows not what. It stirs and troubles him (to his life-long enrichment) with the dim sense of something beyond his reach and, far from dulling or emptying the actual world, gives it a new dimension of depth. He does not despise real woods because he has read of enchanted woods: the reading makes all real woods a little enchanted. --C.S. Lewis, via dajagr.

Yes.

I believe this is true of a lot of art (music, writing, painting, etc.), and certainly not relegated to one specific genre. I think that ideally the art that I take into myself will infuse the everyday with more enchantment and beauty.

But right now, on a more personal level, Seattle is seeming a lot like 'fairy land.' I want my vacation to enrich the 'actual world' of my daily existence...and yet, I'm not sure how to integrate the two.

In Seattle, I was free from responsibility. Oh, I suppose I was responsible not to be an ass to my hosts and their other friends, or to get ready for planned events on time...but those sorts of 'responsibilities' count far more at eight (just ask me when I'm trying to get Daniel ready for school) than at 36, when they're basically second-nature. (I hope.)

In Orlando, it feels like all I am is responsible - for the kids, the house, the dog, getting other people's kids from school to play school, watching other people's kids, doing errands and favors for friends, doing things for the temple. Sometimes it feels like my whole life is figuring out what I'll do for other people: yes, I can manage this; no, I won't be able to do that. But proactively, what do I really want? What is my bigger picture for my own life? I have no idea.

I know that I wouldn't be happy long-term with a life lived basically for myself. This isn't to say it's a bad plan, just that it's not something that would help me to grow. I truly believe that this life I have is the best life for me.

And yet. And yet... I miss stimulating conversation. I miss attention, of the sort where someone listens and considers my point of view. The attention I get now is more along the lines of "Mom, I'm thirsty," which is entirely different.

I want time to really write and to work on art, and I can't seem to figure out how to make that happen. And I think the reason I crave it is because it's part of the process...of bringing the 'fairy land' of vacation into this world of my reality, of identifying and expressing all of the different facets of myself.

Journal entries are a start, I suppose. The rest...should come, though I'm not sure how. Wish me luck in terms of finding a place to begin.

Mother's Day

Mon, 12 May 2008 16:04:19 GMT

Yesterday Ellie and Dave worked together to make my favorite cake (lemon with lemon icing). And Ellie colored the wrapping on Dave's gift.

So many small gifts from her, on a daily basis. "Ellie Bass Mama Bass Love," read her notes to me. While I was gone, she put a sticker from the book The Kissing Hand on our map of the world in the approximate location of Seattle. And today...this morning...she had a really hard time saying goodbye to me in the pre-K classroom.

Yesterday, we were playing karaoke together, and singing a duet.

...you're everything to me
and when I close my eyes it's you I see.
You're everything I know that makes me believe
I'm not alone...

And seeing her face as she was singing...I believe that's how she feels about me.

It's awe-inspiring, to be the recipient of so much love. And with it comes so much responsibility. I may roam - will, almost certainly - and more than anyone it's Ellie who has the power to call me back with the force of her longing.

I hope I'm worthy of being her mom. I almost certainly am not. But I will do my very best.

***

Daniel's contribution to the day yesterday consisted largely of trying to make me not do housework. "Sit down. Sit down, Mom. You're not supposed to be doing that. Here, I'll do that." That, and chatting endlessly with my mom on the phone. He orders the universe, fussing at us when we won't confirm or deny his take on when and where things should happen. That part sounds - is - familiar, though he must get it from his grandparents rather than either of his parents.

He's loud and obnoxious to varying degrees. He's...testosteroney. *grin* And yet, right now, he's oddly and paradoxically moved into the role of 'easiest child.' He's at an age where he's fairly compliant and likes to please. He wants to help us organize rather than actively working to promote chaos. This is a big improvement.

It's hard to know how to give him more of my time, with Ellie so latched onto me right now. But I like him, and I want to share more of myself with him. I want to know how to help him grow into the man - into the mensch - that I know he can be.

Yesterday I told him, "Happy Mother's Day!" He said, "Why are you saying that to me? Mother's Day doesn't really have anything to do with me because I'm not a mother."

"You made me a mother," I said, "the minute you were born."

***

Happy Mother's Day (belated, I guess) to my children. Without you, I wouldn't be a mother. With you...well, it's an ongoing process. But I'm learning, and I'm trying. One day perhaps I will be worthy of the calling.

cutest thing ever - otters holding hands

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:22:20 GMT

on my soapbox

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:05:50 GMT

I rarely post links (or do them myself) about sending emails to political figures...but this is for a proposal to help mothers with postpartum depression, and I feel very passionately about it.

If you are a registered voter and you don't mind listing your contact info on the site, please do (if you agree with the cause.)

Especially with Daniel, I felt like I very nearly slipped through the cracks myself. With Ellie, I was more proactive and I knew what to look for, but even then it wasn't easy. Please help other women to get help more readily.

Okay, end of speech, I promise. Here's the link:

http://capwiz.com/ndmda/issues/alert/?alertid=11246546

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 23:02:43 GMT

A very gripping 45-minute video on a math theorem and the man who finally solved the proof for it, with several other sideplots of various mathematicians. A summary really doesn't do it justice. From jasonwentcrazy.